Fake News Articles – 2007

The “fake news” articles below were written in 2007. I figured it was a marginally funny way of thinking about what climate change might do for our way of life. Of course, I was too reserved to show them to anyone and they sat quietly biding their time for the next 12 years….

6 May 2012 – The Great Fairy Light Boom of 2009

The financial fallout of the 2009 Fairy Light Boom and Bust continued today with BHP Billiton declaring bancruptcy…

28 September 2014 – No More Football

The last Australian Rules Football Grand Final was played yesterday. Collingwood beat Carlton 280 to 99 after Carlton lost eight of it’s players with injury. Collingwood, however, only lost four players with broken bones due to playing on hard baked dirt.
The Australian Football League has continued to play football games for the last three years without insurance after the 2008 ban on watering any form of grass game into effect. The AFL has been forced to stop playing matches as it has been unable to continue to meet players medical expenses since the 2010 changes to the health legislation meant that players medical costs would not be covered by private health insurance or Medicare.
The Health Legislation changes of 2010 simply stated that “self harm caused by stupid and dangerous activities” would not be covered by public or private medical insurance. A high court challenge in March of this year was unsuccessful, leading the way for the legislation to include bans on payments for sporting injuries sustained through playing in dangerous environments.
In 2008 water shortages caused by Global Warming forced the government to ration water use for individuals to 50 litres per day and banned all watering of sports grounds, grassed areas and gardens not used for the production of food. These bans have resulted in a boom in Astroturf and indoor sports centers, however AFL traditionalists have dug their spikes in and refused to modify the game to cater for smaller, indoor arenas using synthetic floor coverings.
Players and fans have been heartbroken by the reality of Global Warming, one fan saying “when they told me in 2006 that Global Warming was happening, I couldn’t picture how it would affect me. Now I don’t know what I will do on my weekends”.
Next year, the AFL will run it’s season using media broadcasts of recorded matches from 1961.

12 June 2011 – No More Bananas

The Australian Banana industry has once again been completely wiped out. Tropical cyclone Johnnie Howler raged down the NSW coast yesterday, wiping out the last vestiges of the Australian crop for the third year in a row….
The CEO of Banana Importers Ltd, John Howerd today stated that the retail price of bananas at $140 per kilogram was not adding to Australia’s current inflation rate of 15%.

27 February 2013 – Australia at War

The Coalition of Environmentally Friendly Nations today declared war on Australia stating “ever since Kyoto we have been working for a unified approach to environmental protection. Australia has repeatedly put consumerism and economical advantage in front of the environment. Due to the crisis enveloping the worlds environment, we have no option but to use forceful means to eliminate this globally destructive behaviour. As the leading economical power that has yet to formally, or informally, recognise the World Environment court or the resolutions of the CEFN, Australia must accept responsibility as the leader of the Axis of Evil, declared in June 2011, that promotes environmentally destructive practices. At 9am tomorrow 2 million troops from Great Britain, Norway, Sweden, China, Iraq and India will occupy Australia by sea and air and institute martial law. Members of the Australian public are advised that this occupation will be peaceful, however any resistance will be dealt with using the new orbiting Solar Powered Laser Array Technology”.
“The primary objective of the occupation will be to secure and deactivate all coal fired power stations. Personal petroleum powered vehicles will be confiscated and reprocessed to produce wind turbines, photovoltaic solar arrays and thermal solar generators. The Australian Company Ozmotech Pty Ltd will be placed in charge of processing all otherwise non usable plastics from recycled private vehicles to produce diesel for powering critical infrastructure until such time as those systems can be replaced with zero emission alternatives. China has promised to cover any shortfall in production from it’s bio-diesel reserves. All Australian’s engaged in non primary production capacities will be stood down as of 9am tomorrow. The occupying forces will ensure that all Australians will be provided with essential food and water rations until an alternative system of government can be implemented”.
Since December 1997 when the Kyoto Protocol was negotiated, the average world temperature has risen by 7.4 degrees Celsius, well in excess of the scientifically accepted maximum sustainable increase of 2 degrees. Already, sea levels have risen by 10 meters, completely inundating many coastal cities and island nations throughout the world. London, New York and Hong Kong have collectively sustained in excess of A$21 trillion in damage due to lost buildings and flooding and the estimated death toll from the sea level rises is 143 million, mostly in coastal third world countries such as Bangladesh.
Surprisingly, the damage cost to those three cities is in excess of 2006 estimates of US$20 trillion to completely replace the worlds energy needs with environmentally friendly alternatives. The shortsightedness of world leaders in the middle of the last decade is truly amazing, although, to be fair, even the most pessimistic of scientific forecasts didn’t predict the bizarre weather patterns of 2008 and 2009 which resulted in fires that completely destroyed the Amazon jungle and many other major jungles around the world. The massive release of carbon dioxide from these fires and the corresponding loss of vegetation available to process the atmosphere resulted in a threefold increase in atmospheric carbon dioxide and a 5 degree jump in world temperatures between 2007 and 2010.
In early 2011 the United Nations was disbanded after irreconcilable differences between many of the members and the CEFN was formed in it’s stead. The cessation of California and other environmentally responsible states from the United States of America precipitated the Second American Civil War during which desperate military units struck at critical nuclear power generation plants, causing widespread radioactive contamination, ultimately resulting in the American States being reduced to pockets of isolated, contaminated communities. Australia then assumed leadership of the United Nations members that promoted economic viability before environmental sustainability.
The Australian President said of the declaration of war “Australia firmly believes that the rest of the world is wrong and that any global warming is purely coincidental and has nothing to do with human activity. The Australian Defense Forces are eminently capable of repelling any external threat to our country and will defend our sovereignty”. Asked whether he had discussed these issues with the King of England, shortly before Australia’s expulsion from the Commonwealth last year, he responded “no comment”.

No Date – The Australian Public Rules

The Australian Public today assumed it’s rightful place as the collective ruler of Australia. Said a member of the Australian Public “we have allowed the government to dictate policies to us for too long. The members of the government are our representatives and they are their to promote our policies, not their own”.
“The government has shown it is not capable of achieving worthwhile objectives – their primary objective is to get reelected, their secondary objective seems to be to display their loyalty to friends and colleagues in industry, unions and other lobby groups, with implementing the collective will of Australians coming a very poor third place” said another.
It is time for Australians to exercise their own political will on an ongoing basis, instead of doing it every few years at an election which, for many Australians, ends up being a choice of the least offensive candidate.
The Australian Foundation for the Preservation of the Environment has established a website to run an ongoing Census to discover the values and objectives of the Australian Public. The website can be accessed at www.???.????
The Foundation believes that the smaller opinion polls that are run can be manipulated by the terms of those polls. For example, if you go to a beach and ask everyone there if the maintenance of the beaches are an important government responsibility, then you will likely get a strong vote in the affirmative. The Foundation would like at least 1 million Australians to complete the Census, allowing a much more robust sampling of the Australian population to be obtained.

No Date – Notice to Comply

A Notice to Comply was today issued to the Federal Government, ordering it to sign it’s Australian Workplace Agreement or face summary dismissal. Initial indications are that the members of the Federal Parliament will refuse to sign their AWA’s as they consider them to be demeaning, reduce their take home pay, reduce their conditions of employment and put them at risk of instant dismissal, instead of them having to wait 3 years for the next election.
Federal Government Fails to Sign AWA
The Members of Federal Parliament were this morning given the opportunity to sign an Australian Workplace Agreement in order to ensure they increase productivity and attend to issues of significant concern to the Australian Public in a committed and determined manner. Unfortunately, the Federal Parliament declined to sign the AWA and proceedings have commenced to have them sacked in line with recent changes to the Industrial Relations laws.

Federal Government Sacked?

The Australian Foundation for the Preservation of the Environment sacked the Federal Government today from it’s involvement in saving the environment.
Notification was issued to the Prime Minister, The Hon. John Howerd and the Federal Minister for the Environment, The Hon. Ian Cambell stating that the Federal Government has failed to conduct it’s efforts with diligence, commitment and integrity. The Federal Governments approach to the environment has failed due to it’s primary obligation of being reelected. The Government is unable to implement policies that will enforce environmental compliance as they fear voter backlash and they are also highly influenced by lobbyists and contacts within the fossil fuel industry.
Whilst the author can understand the Governments fear of being sacked, the threat to the environment is a massive one and dilly dallying on the part of the Federal Government can not be tolerated. Failure to act immediately and decisively constitutes gross negligence and must be rectified by replacing the offenders with a group of individuals that can act with dedication, commitment and integrity.
The Australian Foundation for the Preservation of the Environment has taken on the role of coordinating Australia’s response to the worlds environmental problems.